all i wished for this new year is for things to be alot different from the last. i have suffered enough. oh please, just this little favour. but even if it does not change, just give me more strength and patience? heee..

thankyou so much to eka, eisha, noi and sobri for thirtieth! thankyou so much to eka, eisha, sue, fareha, sobri, hanafi, the nyehnyehs and the others who were there for countdown! terime kaseh banyak2 yee...

Let's welcome 2009 with a big big big hugs and kisses!

and so, the dearest changed his mine. there is no 'nikah gantung' but a normal wedding instead. his plan? september 09. but i dont know. i dont want it to be in the same month as my mom and stepfather's. cause i hate him.

how do i feel? i have no idea. i donot know what i should do anymore.

i cant show im hurt, i cant show im fragile. i dont want to. instead, i showed my rudeness, my rebellious ways. and each time i did, bruises are all i get. this time, i could not control my pain. i bruised myself too. surprisingly, when i was beaten, i didnot feel the pain cause my heart was breaking every second.

the door was kicked open, landed on my head and left a bruise. my hands which were to help me control the questions i had in my mind, ended up being pushed away to allow him to slap me hard, leaving me with swollen left face.

i felt alone. i felt helpless. i cant tell my mother, she wont understand.

i hate to be blamed of the things i didnt do. i hate to be blamed for the life that u urself messed up. i hate being me, for being so fragile.

my legs are really killing me now. for a week i didnt work, and i worked again today. whatsmore it was outside catering. could barely get to sit.  

i have not been able to update anything cause either i was too lazy to or i was too busy to. i was at dear's place for the last two days. basically the reason was cause he was too tired to send me home, and i was too lazy to go home on my own. hah...

after half a year searching, i have finally got a job. as a teacher assistant at north view primary school. but i will only start in january. i still cant see me as a teacher. hahaa! eventhough the job scope includes having to be only a relief teacher. but what the heck.. its a new challenge.

zoukout was cancelled due to dear's pennies got burnt during our trip to UNDERWATER WORLD.

after like 12394912831923years, we finally made it there. and dont worry, eventhough i have no digicam, we bought a disposable cam. so we have photos! yay!! will post it up soon aite?

my legs are really killing me right now. i want to continue typing but i cant tahan already! so next time aye ladies? i miss my thursday nights. :( heee

i broke down yesterday night when i found out my newly bought phone got lost after sheesha session.

the gift i bought was hidden well when he arrived until we were at the side of the road looking for my phone in my bag.

then the whole day till today was a disaster. its been sometime that i look forward to celebrate our anniversary. now that i was all excited, things had to turn out this way. im so devastated.

i was at his place yesterday night, cried myself to sleep. before dozing off, i wrote the love letters of sorry-s, thankyou-s and iloveyou-s and an addditional of a note at the top of the box with all sorts of apologies for the night.

our 4years anniversary became a disaster in the end. they are right, not all fairy tales end up with a happy ending.

one word with six letter to describe how i feel right now;

b.r.o.k.e.n

the title is mean but i cant help it. i've been watching ugly betty from the first episode for a few wks now. each episode i watch i just find her ugly. and that ugly has alot of other description in it. she's f-ing spoilt, too confident, ignorant, has really no sense of fashion and as what the other characters have been saying she looks f-ing old! ignorant as in, eventhough people keep on telling her sense of fashion sucks and whatever she wears to work everyday is really really hideous, SHE STILL DON'T CARE! okla. i also dont care what people say at times. but hearing that for 2years, goodness, i know i will come to my senses somehow. how can a person like that look into the mirror everyday and just feels good about oneself?! gosh...

sorry! i just need to vent this out. i dunno why ive been feeling crappy past few days. even at work, i nearly got into a bickering. im always quarelling with shadad every other day. and i dont really look forward to meeting anyone for now. maybe except for this wednesday, CAUSE I WON THE INVITES FOR BRITNEY'S BDAE BASH AT ZOUK! hahahahaha!

i didnt expect that. but oh well.. for some who are really close, they know how crazy i can be when it comes to britney and this other person. T.A.U.F.I.Q. do u hear any shrieking?? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ as what qyn will always respond when i mention his name; "EEWWW!"

whatever! and hey! 30th november coming soooooonnnnn... in a few days infact. its our fucking 4YEARS anniversary. 4years of hell, somewhat thats what both of us feel. hahaha!

a newfound girlfriends i know i can rely on

eventho we have known for only a few months, i know these are another another clique who will stick around

im not used to hanging out with a group of girls before, cause im too scared of controversy

but i know they are special, ily all k?!

im sorry some are not in the picture. cos all the pics i got with me are not the complete clique. aiyak.. mcm mane?

im still close with the other gfs but we're just too busy and with some too lazy to meet at times when i want to. haha! but its ok cos u girls are still in my heart k? i need u to know that

the day with my dear fiance is just too boring earlier. we had no plans after having our dinner. absolute nothing can? i want this, he dont want this. he want that, i dont want that. mcm mane? hahaha! its never like this before. 

alot of planning to be made, so little cash or should i say no cash to go along. mcm maneeeee? zoukout, cafe delmar, chalet, countdown pit, 4yr anniversary, 2yrs engagement anniversary... aiyak!

can i just rot in "the coffin"?

motherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr mcm maneeeeeee? 

Nice date? heeeeeeeeee

*jengjengjeng*

i was bored then bella suggested i should watch this movie. and so i did. im supposed to fast but i cried while watching. so there goes my fast. nevermind.

this movie means something cause i did what they did. when i got seriously involved with dear, i wrote a poem, put it in a small box and buried it in the sand in sentosa. i did not let him read what is written on it, instead i told him that we are gonna come back a year later and dig it up for him to read. but unfortunately, a year later when we digged it was not there. i didnot give up though. when we came back a few years later, i tried to dig again. but its really gone. honestly, i donot remember what i wrote. i just know that its about how much i love him. and so, now we will never know the exact words used.
 

my friend said something and made me realise. haha! she is right. right now, im the only survivor in a rship. no, im not proud. im just saying.

i posted the previous post out of rage and disappointment. while quarrelling and crying, i just randomly posted what came into my mind the other night. as i read it over and over again, i asked myself how did i hold on all this while.

and then i thought of the last time i turned and came back to him again. the answer is quite simple actually. i always follow my heart. in this small heart of mine, he is the one i loved, love and will always love. he is the first of everythings that i sincerely, willingly gave. i did not hesitate even once. the first time i fell in love with him, i knew he is the one i want to share everything with, my happiness, sadness, craziness and to spend the rest of my life with. i want to grow old with him. no matter what happens. whatever he labels me as, how he beats me and purposely humiliated me, i am still here. i was hurt i admit. no way can i forget all those but each time he says sorry then came to me and kissed my forehead and tells me he wants me, he needs me and wants me for his wife, that is when all these upsetting incidents just disappeared. he made me cry umpteen times yes, but it is also unaccountable how he makes me smile. 

he will always be the one who i want to wake up to and come home to. i dont care even if we quarrel everyday as long as he is by my side. each day im afraid for the future that he will leave me one day. but sometimes i cant help for just being me. im human after all. i get upset once in awhile or almost all the time. hah! we are total opposites that we agree almost nothing to everything. seriously... its going to be 4years in 3mths time and engaged for 2years. how time flies. 

my dear shadad, im sorry for what happened last night. i love you.

                                                   

i put the ring on to hope again
i put up ur photos to believe again
im afraid i admit
but im willing to take the risk

and now im torn apart again
why did i ever turn back
i question myself

you cant love me like i love you
you can never will
then why are you still here
holding on to me

you are everything to me
i know you know
but why cant you do something
to make this work again

u made me a fool 
time and again
to keep on loving you
cause i cant hate you

is it my fault
is it wrong
to just love you

i came chasing
even when u push me away
cause i believe deep in you
you want me so bad
like i do

then what is wrong
why is it this way still
why is it still hurting
and bleeding
when nothing is right

what went wrong